


A Little Crime Never Hurt Anyone

by panpipe



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-02
Updated: 2010-09-02
Packaged: 2017-10-13 04:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panpipe/pseuds/panpipe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nino is a master thief. Ohno is the museum guard he's fallen in love with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Crime Never Hurt Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://panpipe.livejournal.com/105022.html#cutid1) as part of [je_ficgames](http://community.livejournal.com/je_ficgames/). My prompt was "Today your heart, tomorrow the world".

Nino doesn't think it's unreasonable to ask for a little love. It's not like he's a conniving, crazy, megalomaniac villain or anything. He just has a compulsive need to steal things. Really large and really valuable things. Like jewels. Ancient artifacts. Small monuments… Well, one gets the idea. What makes matters worse is he's actually _really_ good at it.

It's not like his crimes really _hurt_ anyone, though, so Nino thinks he ought to be able to capture a certain someone's heart – seeing as Nino is actually a pretty nice guy, outside of the master thief thing.

Of course it would probably be much easier to capture that person's heart if that person weren't the most oblivious person on earth. It's been nearly three months since Nino first met Ohno, one of the history museum guards, and though there have been some small signs of perception, there's also been insurmountable evidence that Ohno can't keep track of a damn thing of actual value inside the museum.

Really, Nino's not sure how Ohno managed to get the job. Surely the interviewers were blind – or maybe Ohno didn't have an interview at all.

Nino is getting ahead of himself, though. All good stories should start at the beginning, not at the middle, and certainly not at the end. If it starts anywhere but the beginning, it just gets confusing. In the saga of Nino's quest for love, it begins with a simple, innocent crossing of paths.

Initially, Nino only interacts with Ohno to try and scope out on whose watch it will be easiest to steal from. He's spoken with several guards at that point, most of whom are fairly sharp – heck, they so much as notice him leaning over the guardrail and start to make a fuss – but Ohno, well. Ohno is… different.

First, Nino tries the guardrail trap – the leaning, the reaching out to touch items but not-quite-touching. When that doesn't raise any flags, Nino starts _actually_ touching the exhibits, poking at statues – even picking up some of the artifacts.

Still, no reaction.

Nino comes back a week later, this time bringing his best friend, Aiba, along. Aiba doesn't really know much about Nino's secret life of crime, but he is aware that, yes, Nino likes to steal things, and yes, sometimes the things Nino steals are quite valuable. Aiba has known Nino since the two were just kids, as Nino's "little problem", as Aiba lovingly refers to it, had started even then.

Nino likes Aiba because Aiba doesn't berate him, doesn't lecture him, doesn't try to change him for the better. Aiba simply insists on plausible deniability, and everything is dandy. Much better than how Nino's friend Sho reacts.

So Nino tries to stage something a little more noticeable, just to test how Ohno will react. And bringing Aiba along definitely makes almost anything more noticeable.

Nino begins to mingle around one of the exhibits – the life-size statues of Attila the Hun, to be exact – and that's when he goes in for the kill.

"Aiba! Aiba-chan, come take a picture!" he shouts. "Look, it's like we're bff!" Nino has one arm looped around Attila's shoulder, grinning and pointing a finger at the statue.

Aiba grins. "Okay!" he shouts back, and begins fumbling for his camera. He knocks over a little kid in the process, who promptly starts crying.

It's at this point that Ohno notices something is wrong. He mutters an absent-minded, "You aren't supposed to be in there," to Nino, and turns to the young child. "Sorry about that," he says, lifting the kid to a standing position. Ohno smiles at the child, and she stops crying. "There, there," he says, patting the child on the head. "Shall we go find your mother?"

And with that, the child nods, and Ohno walks off.

Without making sure that Nino leaves the exhibit.

Nino stares in disbelief.

This is going to be the easiest heist he's ever pulled.

 

And it really _is_ the easiest heist he's ever pulled. He takes a golden earring from the Victorian England collection the next week, and nothing goes wrong in the slightest. He expects to come back to his next stake out to find that guards have changed – they usually do after a heist occurs on their watch – but instead, Ohno is still working.

So Nino comes back again. And again. _And again_. He takes a 15th century dagger, a 19th century watch, 18th century swaddling clothes, and an 8th century shield.

Ohno never once gets fired or changes his shift.

Really, Nino is rather confused.

So he decides to start talking to Ohno. Obviously, there must be _something_ special about him that keeps him from being fired, and Nino, who so rarely cares about individuals aside from himself, finds himself entirely intrigued by Ohno's existence.

Nino doesn't figure out what prevents Ohno from losing his job, but he does begin to understand why Ohno is one of the most popular security guards. The kids love him – which is partially due to the fact that he lets them get away with murder, but can also be attributed to his smile and his willingness to talk and explain the exhibits to them – and so do his coworkers. Ohno is hardworking, if distracted, and everyone appreciates what he does for the museum, such as picking up trash the kids leave behind, and making sure that the displays are still in order before he leaves.

Given Ohno's tendency to make sure all of the Roman soldiers are in their correct positions, Nino still hasn't figured out why Ohno doesn't notice that a giant blue diamond is missing.

Nino is so caught up in the puzzle of Ohno that he doesn't steal anything new for almost three weeks. He spends his days solely watching Ohno at the museum, sitting in a corner pretending to read a book with overly large sunglasses and a hat.

Nino is startled out of his trance one day when Ohno walks up to him and says, "You know, you're starting to scare some of the regulars that come here."

Nino nearly jumps out of his seat. It was naïve, but he had been hoping no one would notice, especially with his artful disguise.

Rather than scolding Nino further, however, Ohno merely sits down beside him and waves at one of the children walking by. "I guess you really like museums, huh?" he asks.

Nino shrugs. "I guess," he says noncommittally. There's something else on the tip of his tongue, that it's not the museums he likes. But then, he's not sure what else there is to say – he can't very well say he likes the priceless items inside the museum, because he doesn't want to raise suspicions. At the same time, Nino's not sure that was the answer he was searching for.

"I saw you here before, you know," Ohno announces, leaning back on the bench Nino has been sitting at. "I guess I could have gotten mad at you for getting too close to the exhibits, but I like to see people excited about history."

Nino freezes and thinks, Oh. Maybe Ohno isn't as oblivious as he'd originally thought.

"Your friend was funny," Ohno continues.

Nino's beginning to wonder how long Ohno has kept note of his visits – and he's starting to get worried. Just how much does Ohno know about him? The thought that Ohno could be waiting to blackmail him over the heists has his nerves on edge and Nino thinks that this is exactly why Sho says he shouldn't steal, that it isn't good for his blood pressure.

Ohno doesn't say anything else, though. Instead, the two just sit in comfortable silence for another thirty minutes or so before Ohno turns briefly to face him, a sad smile on his face – almost wistful – and announces he needs to make his rounds.

 

It's that face – that smile – that has stayed in Nino's mind for days, even though he hasn't returned to the museum since.

When he starts to dream of that face, of ways to make Ohno happy and content, Nino begins to admit that maybe he's not as concerned with the artifacts inside the museum so much as he's concerned with a certain someone guarding them. It definitely explains why Nino has all five of the pilfered objects still lying in the back of his closet, instead of sold on the black market.

Nino's not really sure what to do with that information, so he opts for ignoring it.

Of course, ignoring only works when you can effectively avoid the situation, so when one of his friends from college – who is pursuing some kind of PhD in history, whatever that is useful for – says he needs to speak with the museum curator, but doesn't want to go alone, Nino promptly denies the request.

Which only makes MatsuJun suspicious, because he knows Nino (normally) does not resist ogling sparkly, shiny, _expensive_ and valuable objects that he could (potentially) steal.

"It was you, wasn't it," MatsuJun says immediately after Nino's refusal. MatsuJun has known about Nino's tendency for thievery since their sophomore year of college, after the two roomed together in the dorms.

Look, it's not Nino's fault MatsuJun had a lot of nice things, okay? They were practically begging to be stolen and pawned. And besides, as soon as MatsuJun realized they'd been stolen – and by his roommate no less – Nino managed to steal all of it back, and never took anything from MatsuJun ever again. MatsuJun had taken it for the peace offering it was and decided that having a friend that could slip inside and out of a top notch private home security system might be useful down the road.

It's a strange friendship, but it works.

"It was me _what_ ," Nino asks, though he doesn't really need to. MatsuJun's response is exactly as he expected.

"Who stole those things from the museum? Damn. You've gotten bold – it used to be you never made a heist from the same place twice. Not since college." As a history PhD at the local university, MatsuJun is privy to most of the museum gossip, which, unfortunately, includes thefts that even most of the museum staff is not aware of.

"Pickings are slim these days," Nino says defensively, and he quickly realizes he shouldn't have said that.

MatsuJun's eyes light up at the comment, and Nino knows he's been trapped in a lie. "Is that so?" MatsuJun asks slyly. "Because I heard a very valuable ruby necklace – which was only here for a week and after today is gone from our little corner of the world forever – well I heard that its owner is worried about the security not being strong enough. And to be honest, knowing your skills, I don't quite think the security _is_ strong enough."

MatsuJun pauses, whether to wait for Nino's answer or to achieve the desired dramatic effect, Nino isn't sure.

"It just seems to me like that's a pretty simple job – definitely more your style than _multiple museum heists_."

MatsuJun pauses again, and this time Nino knows he's waiting for an answer. One that Nino is definitely not willing to give.

MatsuJun's eyes twinkle. "You know I'll find out eventually."

Yes. Unfortunately Nino _does_ know.

He can pretend otherwise for a bit longer though.

 

It's at this point one comes back to the beginning of it all. Well, rather, the end.

That is to say, one is back to how this story began. With a young man wanting to earn the attentions of a slightly older, seemingly oblivious man. Nino has never focused on much of anything outside of planning his next elaborate heist – it is a compulsion, after all. But ever since realizing his feelings for Ohno, he feels compelled to focus on the best way to make Ohno notice him, to make Ohno love him and only him forever and ever.

In order to achieve Ohno's complete and undying devotion, Nino goes back to his previous theft strategy of stalking Ohno. His disguise this time is a long, unkempt wig and large, aviator style eyeglasses.

However, it isn't long before Nino hears something he rather wishes he hadn't. It's an argument between Ohno and a sharply dressed, older man.

"Ohno," the man says, obviously exasperated. "You keep telling me that the artifacts will be found – I can't protect you for much longer. Our investors are very upset the thief has not yet been caught."

The man, obviously the owner of the museum, continues to list the various ways investors have threatened him, and Ohno is as silent as ever.

Nino feels like his heart thundering out of his chest is so loud that the two men will hear it, but of course they can't. It's strange, Nino thinks, being so bothered by the thought of himself being the cause for Ohno's unemployment. He was never concerned before, but then again, he's never been in love with one of the victims of his crimes before.

Something needs to be done. He's just not sure what.

 

The best problem solver Nino knows is his friend, Sho, from college. Nino dropped out, but Sho graduated with honors and a guaranteed financial analyst position at Goldman Sachs. Despite everything, they've stayed friends.

Nino really means "despite everything". Sho has voiced his concerns over Nino's habits more than once, and it is definitely a taboo subject between them.

Which is what makes this conversation so hard.

He and Sho meet for dinner at the local ramen shop. Nino likes it because it's always deserted and the owner has never once squealed on him. Of course, Nino is also a _very_ good tipper.

"See," Nino starts, "I had this job a few months back."

"A job," Sho repeats. He phrases it as if it's a question, but the truth is Sho doesn't want the answer.

Nino squirms a bit in his seat in an effort to get more comfortable. "Yeah, a job. And like, it went well, so I did a few other odd jobs for the museum –"

Sho interrupts. "Nino, please just." He puts a hand to his forehead. "Please keep this as vague as possible. I don't need to know where you were working."

Nino fidgets again. His movements tend to be more rapid when he's nervous. "Right. So, I worked, whatever, and like, I met this guy there, this super nice guy and now –" Nino pauses, and Sho sighs.

"Now _what_?"

Nino bites a nail. "I think he's going to get fired."

Sho hangs his head in his hands for a few moments, and then quickly straightens. "Nino," he says sternly, "I think you know the answer to this."

The problem with Sho is he never tells you what you _want_ to hear.

 

As Nino devises the perfect way to present Ohno with his recent spoils – "Hey, remember me? I love you and I stole millions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts from your museum" doesn't have quite the right ring – he gift wraps. He wasn't quite sure how to smuggle the artifacts back to the museum while at the same time making sure Ohno knew it was only because of Nino's undying love for him that they were returned, so he figured gift wrap could help. It would distract whoever else was on duty that day, _and_ it made the return of the artifacts that much more meaningful.

In the end, Nino smuggles himself into the guard's locker room and waits, the gift-wrapped artifacts surrounding him.

It takes an hour before Ohno shows, and when he notices Nino, he takes a small step back, surprise lightly registering on his face. "Hello," he says, a small smile forming.

"I um," Nino begins. "I thought I would return a few things to you." Because I love you, he thinks, but doesn't say.

Ohno maintains eye contact but doesn't respond.

Nino takes a deep breath and soldiers on. "I hope they um, help your job security?" he says, squeaking on the last syllable.

Ohno begins to laugh at the last bit, and then he rests a hand on Nino's shoulder. "Thank you," he says. "I knew I could believe in you to return them."

Nino freezes.

 _What?_

Ohno begins gathering the packages, looking extremely amused at how Nino has chosen to wrap the 8th century shield in Doraemon wrapping paper.

"You knew," Nino accuses.

Ohno turns back to face him, and smiles once more. "I've been a guard for ten years now. I haven't kept that job by being bad at it." Nino stares, obviously confused, and Ohno continues. "Johnny – the owner – he trusts me. I can always tell if something was taken maliciously or by accident."

Nino snorts at that. "You _do_ know I didn't take these by accident, right?"

Ohno just continues to smile. "But I knew you'd return them, see. You have good timing though – Johnny was starting to get nervous." He kisses Nino's cheek and winks, his hand lingering on Nino's arm. He exits the room, bringing the shield with him – presumably back to its proper place in the museum.

Nino stares after him, a slow realization spreading over him that rids him of the outrage from earlier.

Today, he won Ohno's heart. Well, he thinks he did, anyway.

So tomorrow –

Tomorrow, anything seems possible.


End file.
